As you know, advances in financial technology and global trade have created new areas of commercial activity and opened new markets for our exports. Too often policy wonks want to resort to protectionist measures because they don’t realize that these treaties are designed to suck wealth out of the third world and suck it into your portfolios. These people suffer from a lack of big-picture thinking. They believe that they are still going to be building widgets in a factory if it were not for the 1 billion Chinese stealing their jobs. They don’t understand that we are sucking the lifeblood out of both of the Chinese and all workers—the vampire squid with the blood funnel—creating value, wealth, growth!
(Cackles)
Today’s marketplace focuses on the short-term, instantaneous financial trading, and short-term earnings reports, and that’s just how it should be. Those who are struggling need to rent out their living rooms, garages, bathrooms, dog houses, sell trinkets on EBay, sell themselves, their time and their bodies in the gig economy. All of this creates exciting, dynamic extra wealth, which should go to you, the geniuses of the universe, because you are the ones driving this with your investments, speculations, deregulation, policy capture, and of course outright bribes. There’s no problem that a little more liberalization and deregulation can’t make better!
(Takes out check and cackles)
But all of these trends are temporary, and artificial, and unless we push really hard to make them happen, they won’t continue. The choices we make as a nation matter. The choices we make will set the stage for what American life will be like in this 21st century: will we have a nation of namby-pamby socialistic commies whining and demanding every little privilege while our nation crashes down around our ears, and we are reduced to becoming serfs for the Chinese? Or will we have a powerful country, bristling with guns and weapons, capable of putting everyone in their place? Capable of invading countries on a whim? Of unleashing chaos and violence gratuitously? Of violating a leader’s body orifices with sharp objects with impunity?
(Cackles).
Of manipulating the world economy on a dime, without sweating any labor?
(Applause)
As president, I will work with you to turn the tide of populism, to make these currents of change infeasible, impossible. We don’t hide from change; we subvert, hijack it, appropriate it.
(Applause)
But it will take money. Lots of it. This is a good start.
(Waves check again, smiles, coyly).
The measure of our success must be how much incomes rise for you, the elite, the 0.0001%, not some just arbitrary growth targets tethered to people’s unwarranted and undeserved notions of “equity”, and “justice”.
(Applause)
I want to see our economy work for the top, the leaders, the Gods, the Masters of the Universe like you. We’re not going to find all the answers we need in the playbooks of the past, we can’t go back to the policies of social equity that failed completely…
Today is not 1968. The sixties are so over. And it’s not 1917. The Bolshies are so over. It’s not 1789. No more liberty, equality, fraternity. No more freedom fries. Non Merci! ça suffit! People need to accept the fact that finance capital is a reality, that the interests of the capital markets drives the world, that it can’t be turned back, and that it’s the final solution for all the challenges we face now, including the unending catastrophes that it’s creating, including the burning, fiery apocalyptic end of the planet.
So today, I’m proposing an agenda to give you what you deserve, an agenda for unlimited financial deregulation, growth, wealth accumulation and concentration. It’s the least we can offer you given the undeserved contempt and abuse you’ve suffered over the past years.
More concentration means more jobs and more new businesses catering to you. More jobs give people more opportunities to service you, toady up to you, vampire squid and all.
(Waves check suggestively).
Full employment is completely unnecessary, so 19th Century; the desperation of potential unemployment keeps people working hard to keep their jobs, so their productivity and toadying should be absolutely top notch! No more disrespect!
We know that Finance creates most of the wealth in this country, so that has to be THE top priority.
Let me tell you straight: I want to be the presidency of, by, for Goldman Sachs, and I mean it. I’ll make sure to line my cabinet with your people, like everyone else. Lloyd, name your position!
(Wild Applause)
And throughout the upcoming campaign, I’m going to be sending lots of dog-whistle messages about how to empower you with less red tape, less regulation, less taxes, easier access to free, risk-free money, simplification, easy access to me, all the while talking populist claptrap….
(Takes out dog whistle and blows to utter silence)
(Loud laughter)
Don’t be thrown off by the populist rhetoric. You know that’s just how we play the game. You know I’m your gal…a Goldman Sachs gal….
(Brushes check wistfully over lips)
(Laughter)
Just don’t tell anyone what I said….
(Laughter)
