Free speculation, and free money, no taxes, and no restrictions, here or anywhere else in the world: this is essential to our competitiveness and our growth and my ego! And I can do this in a way that doesn’t alarm or outrage the unwashed masses! As president, I’ll fight to put you first, just like I have my entire career. Just remember the dog whistle!
(Lifts to whistle to lips)
(Laughter)
Just watch!
(Applause)
The trader who stands on his feet all day, shrieking his heart out, or the quant who is driving his synapses into overdrive trying to make an unforgiving algorithm match the fluctuations in a chaotically fibrillating market, or the hedge fund manager, who has loses sleep over the global economy, these people do not need regulation! They do not need a lecture! They do not need the planet’s animosity. They need more rewards, for the hard, crucial, essential, brilliant, world-changing work they are doing!
(Applause)
The truth is the current rules for our economy do not reward financial risk-taking enough. r
(Applause)
Alongside gutting taxes, it’s time to stand up to efforts across our country to restrict the power of finance, which has been proven again and again to destroy an economy, and make you sad….Socialist demagogues like Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders have made their names stomping and vilifying you….
(Hissing)
I will fight back against these mean-spirited, misguided attacks. But I will do with subtlety and finesse and subterfuge! Just like when I was a Goldwater girl! Now I’m a Goldman Sach’s girl!
(Rubs check suggestively)
(Laughter)
In the years leading up to the “crash”, financial firms innovated risk away, but regulators in Washington either could not or would understand this. I was alarmed when they took the punchbowl away.
The current President Obama gave you and your colleagues 17 Trillion of free money, and endless zero-rate loans, but he still had to pretend to take you and your colleagues to the woodshed. Dodd-Frank. Sarbanes-Oxley. The return of Glass-Steagall. Other annoying, pesky legislation and regulations. Too many of you are bound and wrapped in red tape: shadow banking, money laundering, hedge funds, high-frequency trading, non- bank financing, interest rate manipulation, all done in the shadows, because of vicious, irrational regulations that marginalize and oppress you.
(Hissing)
Even when you have already pocketed the gains, and gotten away scott-free, there is social approbation, contempt, and this is painful, this is wrong. I feel your pain! On my watch this will all change. Over the course…
(Applause)
… over the course of my campaign, I will offer plans to unleash your endless creativity and risk-taking. I will make sure that you will not pay the price of those risks: I want to encourage you to take them. Just as limited liability allowed early capitalism to grow, back-stopping your risks will be my charge and duty. We’ll make sure that Wall Street and stock markets explode in growth for you! Profits for you! We will assume the Risks! For you, the financial innovators! Captains! Lords! Titans! Gods of finance!
I will appoint you to every regulatory position of power! Too big to fail is too big not to give control over the entire government!
(Applause)
I will ensure that no one will ever be prosecuted. Those who shout for decriminalization of drugs fail to understand that decriminalizing financial crime will bring it out of the shadows into the mainstream economy, boosting it into the stratosphere!
(Applause)
Government has to be smarter, smaller, more focused on supporting speculative investments than the convenient politics of justice, and be a better servant of the private sector. Washington has to be a better steward—servant–of your power! The media has to respect you! Please, let’s get back to making decisions that pay due deference to power and money!
(Applause)
That’s what I’ll do as president. I will seek out and welcome any good idea that is accompanied by a large check!
(Brushes check suggestively against cheek)
(Laughter)
I confess, maybe it’s just the bean counter in me, but I believe that public service is about planting trees for (slave) labor to harvest, and the vision I’ve laid out here today for strong growth for you, your bonuses rising through the stratosphere again, will help finance get ahead and stay ahead forever!
And I’m inviting everyone to please join me to do your part.
(Waves check).
(Laughter).
That’s what great countries do. That’s what our country always has done. We follow the money. It’s not about left, right or center; it’s about the money. We take our orders from money. Yes, we do!
I’m running for president to build an America for you, for Global Finance. An America built on Financialized Capital, an America where if you do your part, you will reap the rewards, the rich rewards you deserve…even if the planet collapses in total chaos….
(Waves check suggestively)
(Laughter)
Where we take care of our own….
(Laughter)
And where we get rid of our enemies….
(Nervous laughter)
Forever…
(More Nervous Laughter)
Thank you all. Thank you. I just want to leave you with one more thought. I want every banker, financier, trader, hedge fund manager to reach their God-given potential to rule the universe. Please join me in that mission — let’s do it together!
(Applause)
Thank you all so much.
(Applause)
And now, unless someone writes another check, I’ll be onto the next gig…
This satire speech first appeared on CounterPunch. Because the themes conveyed throughout the ‘speech’ seem anything but far-fetched considering Hillary Clinton’s tainted past and present campaign running for President of the United States, it is being shared again.
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